Feel Yourself

Feel Yourself.

Not that! But if that’s what you want to do, crack on! It does release those good endorphins we all love!

I’m talking about your feelings. Feeeeeeel yourself. Feel those feelings.

(By the way, I should mention that you’re probably going to be as sick as I am of the word ‘feelings’ by the end of this post. I don’t even see it as a real word anymore! You have been warned!)

We all do it – we avoid our feelings in a bid to maintain a pretence of normalcy and control. Essentially, we deny our feelings to ‘keep up appearances’ and this is dangerous. We avoid the pain and discomfort, and some of us even avoid feeling joy and love because that in itself creates discomfort, and it means having to ask ourselves why we’re feeling this way, and what is it about these feelings that make us so uncomfortable.

Some of us manage avoiding our feelings remarkably well, and for a surprising amount of time. How many of you stayed in a relationship because you thought your feelings were invalid and you were probably overreacting? How many of you have said ‘yes’ when you really meant ‘no’?

The crux of it is that by depriving ourselves of feeling our feelings results in a denial of self.

What do I mean by this? Well, I mean you’re becoming less and less you each time you deny your feelings. You start becoming someone else until eventually the person you’ve become isn’t a person you recognise. You’re a showman of your own life, giving your audience results they expect, and a show to enjoy, but behind the scenes, you’re crumbling.

But it is through this crumbling that you’re feelings are trying to point you in the direction back to who you are. They’re saying “Hello! It’s me: anger/joy/anxiety/depression/shyness/insert every possible emotion here. I’ve come up so you can pay attention to me and love me and feel me, and then I’ll leave you alone (until the next time).” These feelings need to be felt otherwise they’ll stay buried deep inside you somewhere, and one day you’ll become so taunt, explosive and self-destructive that your feelings will have no choice but to manifest in the easiest way possible.

What may have started off as living in constant fear, has now transcended to anger. What was once insecurity has now become anxiety and low self-esteem. What was once joy, has now become indifference. If we don’t notice the original feelings, they change form, and they change into the most recognisable and familiar form to us – they change into a conditioned response.

Growing up I was very awkward, shy and full of fear, and I cried A LOT as a child. I’d literally cry for no reason, but my crying was an inconvenience. I avoided my feelings because I was taught that they didn’t matter, they weren’t valid, and I didn’t know enough about life to feel such emotions.

As an adult I now overthink everything, people-please, constantly compare myself to everyone, and I feel like an attention-seeker and an inconvenience if I cry. In the back of my mind I know it isn’t necessary to feel or do any of the above, but because I constructed unhealthy coping methods, I often revert back to those when I feel uncomfortable with whatever feeling has presented itself. It was best to avoid those feelings because they were painful, and it meant confronting thoughts that I was scared might be true, and if they were true I’d have to change, and who likes change?! My conditioned response is usually avoidance (plus I sweat a lot when I experience a sudden emotion. It’s a joy…). “I’ll deal with that emotion later/I’ll add it to my to-do list/it’ll go away”. Only, it never does. Not completely.

Have you ever had an unexpected and highly charged emotional outburst? That’ll be your repressed feelings making themselves extremely obvious to you. They’re saying “You’ve ignored us for long enough, now we have to make you notice us. It’s time for you connect to your emotions. Stop avoiding us.” They have the best of intentions, but sometimes we don’t recognise that or react in a healthy way.

Often when we’re unconsciously taught coping methods as a child, it’s from a person who is usually emotional disconnected. People can only give you what they’ve got. If they were never taught a healthy way to deal with emotions, then they’ll only pass on what they know. This results in a misdirected flow of support, with someone thinking they’re helping, but in reality they’re not. There comes a point when someone has to change the direction of a family’s ancestral emotional DNA.

How do I feel my emotions?

When you feel a strong feeling come up, you sit with it and simply feel it. You allow it pass through you, knowing that it will pass. It’s not an everlasting thing. It will ebb away, but you must first recognise it and give yourself permission to feel it. At first, it is likely to feel overwhelming, but as you continue the process it will become easier, and you’ll even start to recognise triggers and be able to pre-empt an action plan.

For those of us who are/have been emotionally disconnected for the majority of our lives, doing this can be a daunting process, but one that I believe is necessary if we are to heal and move forward in our lives.

It’s not shameful to feel. As cliché as it sounds (and I slightly hate myself for saying this), it’s what makes us human.

When we feel broken or as though we’re failing, that’s all it is. A feeling. We’re not a failure. We are not broken. It’s just a temporary feeling raising its head for attention. And we can give it that attention by giving ourselves permission to feel it, and to view it objectively. If we’re objective, we can really look at the emotion and understand it for what it is: a feeling that will pass, and a feeling we can change if that’s what we desire.

It’s imperative that I point out that if you feel depressed or are displaying symptoms of depression, to speak to someone about it. It could be your local GP, other health care practitioners, The Samaritans, a friend or family member etc. Communication is key, and acknowledging that you need help and want to be emotionally healthy and stable is a big step, and one that requires support, but definitely a step that you are strong enough to take.

So, conclusion?

FEEL YOURSELF!

You can do it!

You’re allowed to have feelings. You are allowed to be you. You are allowed to make changes that make you happy. You are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings – that is their problem. Your task is to be a healthier, happier person, and sometimes that means ‘trimming the fat’ in your life. To do that you have to focus on how you’re feeling, feel the feeling and make any necessary changes towards being you again.

Feel. (I had to put one extra in there just to be ‘hilarious’!)

Be happy. Be you.