How often do you say ‘yes’ when you really mean ‘no’?
How many times do you let someone else dictate what it is you do?
This is something I myself have a slight problem with. I used to think setting boundaries meant keeping people away from me, and in some respects it is that – and don’t we all want that sometimes! But after experiencing a few situations that occurred because no clear boundaries were in place from the beginning, I now realise that boundaries are a GOOD thing! They are needed.
Setting boundaries is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. Before you start protesting and saying “But isn’t it awful of me to say no to people?” No! It’s not. You’re not being selfish. To rest, recalibrate and recharge, we must be able to set aside time for ourselves. If we want to give 100% of ourselves to work, relationships, family etc, then we must give 100% to ourselves first and foremost, and to do that we need boundaries.
How to Identify Where You Need to Set Boundaries
This requires some honesty. Knowing where to set your boundaries means asking yourself some questions that you may have been avoiding answering, but which are essential in identifying the key areas in your life that need improvement.
For this you’ll need a pen and paper (your phone or tablet is fine too!) and 20 minutes. This is a quick assessment of identifying problem areas.
(If you like you can go more in-depth following this initial exercise and devote further time to really acknowledging what areas of your life bring you down and need vast improvement).
• Sit and concentrate on your breathing for five minutes. Allow any thoughts to pass by like clouds – observe them, but don’t engage with them.
• Concentrate on your breath, how it flows naturally and feel yourself becoming more and more relaxed.
• Next, look at the following questions and answer them with full awareness and honesty. Real change can’t happen unless you realise that there are problems and that it needs to change. It sounds obvious, but you’ll be surprised how often we make excuses and say it’s ok.
1. Where do you lose energy? Is it work, home, a social group?
2. What situations are you/have you been in that make you want to cry or make you feel anxious?
3. Where do you feel powerless? What about this makes you feel that way?
4. Who around you always takes, but never gives?
5. Is there someone you’re keeping in your life because they’re family, or you’ve been friends for a long time and you feel as though you should keep them there?
How Do I Create Boundaries When I’m Such a Yes-Person?
First, get comfortable saying ‘no.’ Say it now. No. No. No. Shout it if you have to.
NO!
Get used to saying it. Really feel the power behind it.
To create boundaries work from the truth of who you are. Only consider yourself. I know this is hard to do, but it’s paramount to your mental health that you don’t let people guilt you into agreeing to something that will drain you of energy. This is your time to take back your power. Be mindful about how someone may be stealing it – perhaps unintentionally – from you and take action into claiming back. Allow YOUR opinions of to direct your choices. There will always be someone poo-pooing your actions, but there will always also be someone who will be your biggest fan and cheerleader. Surround yourself with those people.
Be Direct and Remain Committed
Don’t faff around with it. Say “I cannot commit myself to this [insert situation here]. I would love to be able to, but right now I don’t have space/energy/time for it.” And stick to it. There’s no use in setting these boundaries if you don’t follow through with them. Not only are you allowing someone else to direct you, you’re not showing up for yourself in the best possible way. It might feel good in the moment to do someone else a favour, but ultimately you’re the one missing out on essential me-time.
Give Yourself Permission
You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to turn down that opportunity. You are allowed time off. You are allowed to leave the washing for another day. You are allowed to stay in bed that extra hour. You don’t need permission from anyone else except yourself. Give yourself the permission to set your boundaries and reinforce them.
Create Empowerment
You do not need to defend yourself, debate or explain your feelings to anyone. If anyone demands an explanation you do not owe them that. They should be understanding of your refusal. We can’t do everything and be everywhere at once – as much we try!
By setting your boundaries, you will become fully present and aware and subsequently you’ll make yourself fully available without resentment or anger when you do agree to do something.
To really cement your empowerment, do something that makes you feel powerful. It could be going for a run, singing really loudly, punching a pillow. These activities will give you that extra boost to show yourself that it’s good to feel empowered. It’s good to live with the clarity and truth that comes with setting and reinforcing boundaries.
It will feel uncomfortable at first. Personal power is something that grows with time as you become more and more used to it and feel less guilty about spending time doing things you enjoy and that you love. You may have a slip up every now and then, and that’s entirely natural! Be kind to yourself when these moments occur. Reflect on why you said ‘yes’ and ask yourself what was it that you needed in that moment?
It’s about making yourself a priority.
Don’t underestimate the power of boundaries and don’t underestimate the power of you.
Be happy. Be you.
Mindfully Untitled 