I have found life difficult lately. I go to work, come home. The emptiness of my life has become painfully obvious when chatting with friends. Their life has…life in it. It may not all be positive, but they have something happening. More importantly, they have something I yearn for: connection. A sense of belonging and love and joy.
I have moments where the sun shines through, but lately, those seem to be few and far between. The darkness grows stronger, as it were. By darkness, I don’t mean sadness alone, but a dull, constant sense of disconnection from everything, including myself. I try not to be pulled into the void, but it’s becoming more and more difficult to grasp on to the safety rope.
During those times, I try to cultivate some mindfulness. Don’t get me wrong, this can be really fucking hard, and it’s not the first thought that springs to mind, but mindfulness isn’t always calm.
It’s presented as something guru’s or the more spiritually aware people do, and it gives off the vibe that one must already be calm to evoke a sense of calm into their life.
That is not so.
I don’t practice mindfulness because I’m peaceful. I practice it because my thoughts just won’t stop. My mind never shuts up, and I wonder what it’s like to have what I call a ‘sunrise mind’ – a mind that embodies the calm of the morning, or the freshness of an early morning spring breeze.
Mindfulness isn’t difficult. We just have to remember to do it – Sharon Salzberg.
Mindfulness is such a buzzword that we forget to use it when we actually need it. When things feel like this, I reach for small anchors, ones that require very little effort. This is because as anyone who’s ever been overwhelmed knows, when the task is small, it’s easier to complete.
One Breath
Next time anything feels overwhelming, take one breath.
Put all your focus on that one breath, and take it as a moment to pause. It doesn’t matter if your breath is controlled, shaky, or full of rage. Just put your attention on it and the pause it creates. A tiny flicker of calm may present itself, or it may not. But what you have done through the pause is become aware of yourself.
The blessing of the pause is that it reminds us we’re still here. There’s still life. It may not be the life we want just yet, but we exist to change it nonetheless.
Stare at a Wall
Literally just stare at a wall and zone out. Or a painting. Let your eyes blur, perhaps place a hand on your chest or belly, and follow its rise and fall. If I’m staring at a painting, I usually focus my thoughts on the colours or follow the lines of the painting. Sort of like a mandala, I suppose. I let the lines lead me into calmness.
Name Your Feelings
If you’re feeling sad, name it. Disappointed? Name it. Feeling hopeful? Name it.
Over time you’ll cultivate a deeper awareness of yourself and your feelings, and eventually you may see what triggers these feelings. If you’re particularly brave, after you’ve named your feelings, you may let them rise up to be felt. If you’re not ready for that, just stick with naming them. No-one wants to spiral completely. Sometimes, being a witness is enough.
None of these techniques will fix everything. If only! They don’t fill the emptiness or suddenly create a life that feels full and connected. But they can keep the darkness at bay long enough so that I can briefly bask in the light rather than be swallowed whole.
I suppose mindfulness, for me, isn’t about becoming calmer – although it is a benefit! It’s about being staying present with myself and my body. It’s about learning to stop being avoidant of my feelings (I’m remarkably good at it) and letting them pass by like a cloud. Or a wave. Or even a punch to the gut.
Most importantly, it’s permission to be gentle with myself. A soft approach still makes a difference.
Be happy. Be you.
Picture: @theotherkev via Pixabay
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